This morning we received a phone call that a good friend of Ryan's grandfather had passed away last night. He was in his 80's, had been fighting disabilities due to Polio most of his adult life and was brought down with a bout of Pneumonia a little while ago. His wife Carol had graciously opened their home to celebrate Ryan's grandmothers life just the day before, despite Bill still being hospitalized.
When Wilma passed back in June, it was Carol and Bill who welcomed weary family members to crash in their guest house and brought over meals during a very difficult time. Their warming presence made things a little less bleak for everyone especially Ryan's grandfather Ben.
With all the busyness of everyday life, friends have not been a large part of my life. I enjoy their company but have been disappointed so many times in the past I guess I've come to the conclusion that the investment is wasted energy. That sounds so horrible when I write it out. I guess my problem with making friends has been much like someone who hasn't found the right life partner. I'm always "dating" the wrong type of person.
Over my lifetime I've had a few friends but none that really stuck if that makes sense. My very first friend Breonna was introduced to my life when we were both toddlers. The daughter of my parents friends, we were "forced" friends and that friendship lasted through our 20's. Breonna was even the Maid of Honor in my wedding. Despite my family moving 1000's of miles away we kept contact through letters and when her dad moved up to Washington we had the opportunity to spend time together on her visits. In essence she was like the sister I never had. Breonnna and I were very similar in many ways and that similarity caused some rivalry from time to time. I remember one day when we were about 7 years old my parents had purchased me a new Barbie Doll. Excited I immediately boasted about my new treasure to Breonna as soon as she arrived but to my surprise instead of being happy for me she attacked me for being a bragger! I'll never forget the hair pulling brawl that ensued. Funny how something so trivial sticks around and that an innocent word can change your entire perception of yourself. After that day I never bragged about a gift again, in fact I think that is the reason I have a hard time spending money on myself at all. Funny how that one little word made me feel eternally guilty about every personal purchase I've made since.
I was always a shy kid and I think that made some invisible mark on my forehead that told the more assertive kids that I was easy prey. Thankfully for me I come from stubborn, feisty stock that allowed me to dish whatever they through my way back at them. That doesn't mean it did really hurt at the same time. Since I felt like an outcast I gravitated to making friends with the "broken" kids. Mind you they all were great people and like me didn't feel as though they belonged so from that aspect it was a perfect match. Unfortunately being a junior problem solving fanatic, I tended to focus on their problems and less on my own. Great for them, not so good for me. You see when you are the caregiver sometime you get walked all over. That whole survivor of the fittest thing I guess. At some point the person you try desperately to help figures out that you will do anything for them and decides to use that to their advantage. I don't think it's a conscience decision and I don't think it is out of any malice but just that they have adapted to having to fight for themselves and manipulation is an easy way to get what you want.
Unfortunately it took me most of my adult life to realize that issue and a couple of years ago both Ryan and I decided to rid our lives of those kinds of friends and try to make new lasting connections. With the long hours working on growing the business we haven't had many opportunities to get out and meet anyone. We tried that networking group in hopes that we would find some new comradery but again it felt as though we would be in the role of helping to "fix" their businesses instead of learning on how to grow ours.
Over the last couple days I've come to realize that friendships are an important part of life. If you are fortunate to meet those people who will love and support you unconditionally hold onto them. Hopefully someday Ryan and I will find our life friends and we will be as fortunate as his grandparents to have support when we need it the most. For now the hunt continues.
